It is so easy to let the past or the future ruin today. The truth is there isn’t a damn thing we can do about either. As much as we’d like to control circumstances, we are not another and we are certainly not God. It seems there are three choices.
We can let fear and anger stifle what is Good and live life guarded, bitter and sad. A choice so easy and supported by powerful darkness that it rears its head at the slightest pothole we encounter.
We can quit. Just give up. Say enough is enough. Take our ball and go home. Ending any chance of happiness. A choice many people make. The saddest decision of all.
OR
We can Live our lives to the fullest. A Life filled with Love, Compassion, Trust and Hope. In truth, this is both the easiest and toughest road. This path requires exposing ourselves to an uncomfortable vulnerability.
I have chosen paths one and three before. And I will not say number two hasn’t beckoned; We can lie to ourselves, or try to overcome the shadows that darken our door. In the end there is really only one choice and, of course, it is the most difficult.
I have lost so much in the last few years; Pilling up by the minute it seems. Pain that has caused me to act and react recklessly. Ultimately adding to the toll. Through it All, I have had bright nights and dark days, but only when following a path of Love have I seen the Light in the darkness. This doesn’t mean hurt doesn’t come. It only gives me a chance. I like those odds better than the rest.
I’ll Love and take what comes, knowing I am just a blip on a Radar we don’t yet understand.
Will
Sent from my iPhone
Category Archives: Fear
Unnecessary Noise
My Daughter and I drove to Houston yesterday, and as Fate ( the larger Plan) would have it, my Family had planned a Mass at my Sister Carroll’s home to celebrate the Life and final Reward of my Father. As usual, the event was just what the Doctor ordered.
Without real reason, I was struggling when I arrived on Swift Avenue to meet a small contingent of our clan. Despite the fact that I have been doubly Blessed over the last few days to spend them with my Son, and the next few with my Daughter, in an instant I felt fearful.
I started to say that fear and anxiety was sudden and inexplicable, but in this worldly reality I can trace the cause to the root. If I did, I would realize that it was neither sudden or inexplicable. Needless yes, but a mystery the feelings were anything but.
We gathered around Carroll’s circular table with Cousin Johnny Stacer at the head. I to His left and my Sister Mary to His right. I took in Johnny’s African garb, which I always admire in a wondering way, and the Hosts and wine in front of Him. My first thought was “wherever two or more gather”.
I listened with intent, but not intently, as I stewed on the anxious thoughts that had seemingly appeared from nowhere. At this point, and as I have done before when clutter and fear have stepped in the way of my conversation with God, I consciously told the devil to get out of the church. he was not welcome.
At that moment, We were holding hands in the Circle and as Johnny prayed for our intentions, I could feel His left thumb gently stroking the back of my Hand. His next words were, “help Us let go of unnecessary anxious feelings and fear”. Immediately the anxiousness was gone.
The circumstances that caused the feelings were, and are, still the same. However, the realization of the pettiness, unimportance and lack of control I have on them was bestowed upon me. Delivered as Johnny said, on the HOV Lane right from the Source of All.
The short Mass with my Family, and subsequent dinner did what it always does. It lifted me and Us All up. We laughed at, and with Ourselves, told old stories and new, loved and were Thankful.
I am not a good Catholic, but I love my Catholic upbringing, and strong Roots. They gave Me a solid foundation from Which to grow my Faith and Relationship with God. I Believe that our relationship with God is individual. However, it is Moments like These that point out the interconnectedness of All.
Just as Electricity needs a conduit to flow, Messages need a delivery mechanism as well. Sometimes that Pipe is a group of People, or maybe just a Person. We can only Hear if We Listen and the Song is sometimes louder when sung in a Choir.
“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” – Matthew 18:20
Peace
Will
Sent from my iPhone
The Ledger
No one who ever asked my dad for help left disappointed. Dad didn’t have much, but knew he had it all. Frankly, whether asked or not he would help those in need. The only thing he didn’t share was where the fish were…
I watched him over a pile of bills many times at the dinning room table, sorting “pay nows” and “float”. He’d sigh as he rose, turn right around and give $100 to someone in a jam.
It didn’t always seem to be the best decision making, but he always did what needed doing. He’d figure out the rest.
Maybe it all traced back to the day he lay dying on a battlefield in Saipan, a bullet hole through his chest. An exit wound, four times the size of the impact point, through his back. I imagine many “if I live” promises being made to the Man upstairs on that day in 1944.
I wonder if “as many children as I can possibly have” was one of those promises:)? Course he’d have to find a Saint to collaborate on that Front. What were the other words uttered? What thoughts flashed through the young Marine’s mind?
I’m certain that going into every battle my father was afraid to die, but he would do what he had to do. Just as strong is my belief that as he lay on rocky ground dying his fear of mortality disappeared. It was in God’s hands. I never met a man more resolute that God has a plan.
Being on the brink can free a person from the shackles that fear battles to enslave us in. The trick is to be able to unlock those restraints without the unwanted kickstart of a bullet through the chest.
Dad was not always right. He was in fact, quite often wrong. Never was there a man more perfectly imperfect. He made the best decisions possible, given the circumstances at hand. Then he acted. Fear could go fuck itself. What I’d give to live like that….
We all make the best decisions we know how. Certainly, we are wrong at least 50% of the time. Let me give you a little tip. Every answer you give and action we take which is based in fear has a much higher probability of being on the debit side of our ledger.
I want to tell you I am, quite assuredly, not able to shirk the ropes of fear anywhere close to 100 % of the time, but I’m getting better! Sure it’s a “do as I say not as I do” thing, however it is solid good dope. Just look back on a few key decisions you’ve made. How’d the ones based in fear work out? What about those made with nothing but confidence? I bet I know the answer.
There were and are many men and women on this earth able to live there lives like each day is the last. Dad had the privilege of walking in those ranks. Each of our worlds would be brighter if we could do the same. Decisions made out of love, respect and consciousness carry the collective strength of the universe as their ally. The makings of a mighty team in my opinion.
Power through your day with confidence. Act decisively with the best intentions. You never know what might happen.
Here’s to you all. Go get some!
Will
willwandering 