Category Archives: God

dads, faith, fathers, forgiveness, God, life, life lessons, love, personal growth, philosophy, your last day

Trials and Tribulations

There is little to no doubt that letting go is healthy in certain situations. It is also a fact, beyond argument, that often circumstances make release the toughest of choices. All of the “I wishes” clog the mechanism that allows the grieving deed of the broken heart to be done. Maybe it’s not that we need to ‘let go’, perhaps we must realize we never possessed a grip in the first place. The illusion of a hold and hence the ability to release said fiction is all a part of the story.

The perfectly and uniquely imperfect gene does not discriminate. It is an affliction we are all born with. There are many days when I revel in the gifts that my individuality bestows upon me and times when I play the sad song of “if only”, over and over; A fruitless pursuit rooted in an unchangeable past and human condition. Alas, our Hearts do not always beat to the rhythm of a rational drummer. Driven by Love the daydreams will arise of their own accord. All we can do is smile and try to focus on the good times.

The past is gone, the mistakes have been made. There is no Time Machine available and, frankly, no time to waist. So, we must try to put things into the hands of a Higher Power and Live today. Playing the what if game only with the wishful Dreams of the future. Today we must take the hot rod to the car wash, check the combustible parts, change the tires and fluids and give the wheel to Someone else.

I will always remember and never stop Loving, but I will Live today.

Will

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faith, fathers, Fathers, forgiveness, God, life, life lessons, love, personal growth, philosophy, Uncategorized, your last day

The In Between



The In Between

We perched above the Pacific, gigantic waves crashing below. Sitting, looking, listening…, imagining. One of the few times in a very long while that my mind was empty. The thought drifted in so honestly, it took me a long moment to realize it wasn’t physically possible. “I should call Dad”. Sitting here in Llano, Texas so far removed from that setting, there is certainly water flowing.

The drops are partially the result of phone calls that can’t be answered and salty from those that simply won’t be. As Dad would say, “Ain’t that a helluva thing”?

I often think about Mom and Dad and the decisions they made. Right or wrong, for we are All a faulty lot, they made the best ones they knew how. Though comparison is the devil’s work and a fool’s punishment, I can’t help but draw them. Daily, I ruminate on my record, going so far as to flog myself for actions that were inevitable.

There isn’t a one of us that can alter the past, or who we are. Quite the contrary. We must strive to be our true selves, not denying inner for the outer everyone expects. I’ve witnessed the destructive and combustible results of that behavior. Still, we are human. Therefore, we long.

Each day I search deeper, Praying for answers that may never come. I try to Rise rather than fall. Then I sleep. Though I wake from Dreams, sometimes in my slumber those phone calls are answered from both sides of Tomorrow.

Hear the Waves Crash and Listen to what the Silence says in between.

I remain ever Hopeful.

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faith, fathers, Fear, forgiveness, God, life, love, philosophy

Choices




It is so easy to let the past or the future ruin today. The truth is there isn’t a damn thing we can do about either. As much as we’d like to control circumstances, we are not another and we are certainly not God. It seems there are three choices.

We can let fear and anger stifle what is Good and live life guarded, bitter and sad. A choice so easy and supported by powerful darkness that it rears its head at the slightest pothole we encounter.

We can quit. Just give up. Say enough is enough. Take our ball and go home. Ending any chance of happiness. A choice many people make. The saddest decision of all.

OR

We can Live our lives to the fullest. A Life filled with Love, Compassion, Trust and Hope. In truth, this is both the easiest and toughest road. This path requires exposing ourselves to an uncomfortable vulnerability.

I have chosen paths one and three before. And I will not say number two hasn’t beckoned; We can lie to ourselves, or try to overcome the shadows that darken our door. In the end there is really only one choice and, of course, it is the most difficult.

I have lost so much in the last few years; Pilling up by the minute it seems. Pain that has caused me to act and react recklessly. Ultimately adding to the toll. Through it All, I have had bright nights and dark days, but only when following a path of Love have I seen the Light in the darkness. This doesn’t mean hurt doesn’t come. It only gives me a chance. I like those odds better than the rest.

I’ll Love and take what comes, knowing I am just a blip on a Radar we don’t yet understand.

Will











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dads, faith, fathers, Fathers, forgiveness, God, life, life lessons, love, personal growth, philosophy

So Many Ways


So, is there more to this than hauling the wood of our history around? More than just replaying our patterns? Whether yesterday or five thousand years ago, there has always been the need to break
our habits in the world- the need to give up what no longer works. – Mark Nepo



So Many Ways

The first time I remember falling was through the center of a jungle gym. They weren’t fancy back in those days. Just a bunch of iron bars built in a modulated square, with a similarly shaped box perch on top.

I was alone after school, long after all the other kids were gone. Waiting for a ride that was sure not to come for hours. Climbing to the top, I dreamed I was the captain of a ship far out at sea. I could feel the wind, see the Porpoises frolicking in the bow’s wake. Scanning the horizon for enemy vessels, I ordered the crew to the guns. Just then a wave hit hard. Except it wasn’t my imagination.

I was overcome by a wash of dizziness and fell straight through the middle shoot, hitting the ground hard. Malleable as my young body was and completely limp in a half conscious state, the impact inflicted no harm. Dusting myself off, even at that young age, I was aware how lucky I was that my head had not hit any of the bars on the way down. Had it connected solidly, who knows.

I haven’t thought about that moment in years, though I have fallen so many times since. Innocence long departed, the stumbles now inflict pain. To this point, my thick skull has not struck the steel squarely. I’ve suffered cuts, bruises and even deep gouges, but the giving side of impermanence has shown me mercy.

I have spent the last two days writing about my dad. Through his words and my memories, I have ridden with him at the helm of great vessels. I have felt the sting of his stumbles. I’ve asked Him for his wisdom; That born of his imperfect experience. We have walked together once more.

Years ago the two of us crouched alone on the Galveston jetty. A thirty foot high wave, we’d noticed building minutes before, steadily approaching from the ship channel. I gripped the bow of our, twelve foot, Jon boat with white knuckled fury. He held the craft with one hand and my arm in the other. I knew, if he had to let go of one it would not be me. Though he had fallen plenty, he would not fail. It was a moment as surreal as the slow motion we experience with the imminence of a car wreck.

Though the sound had to be deafening as the massive wave crashed into and over us, all I remember is silence. We were together at the bottom of that jungle gym, dusting ourselves off and preparing to climb the tower again. This time with more knowledge than the last.

Learning,
Will


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fathers, Fear, God, life lessons, philosophy, Uncategorized

Unnecessary Noise

My Daughter and I drove to Houston yesterday, and as Fate ( the larger Plan) would have it, my Family had planned a Mass at my Sister Carroll’s home to celebrate the Life and final Reward of my Father. As usual, the event was just what the Doctor ordered.

Without real reason, I was struggling when I arrived on Swift Avenue to meet a small contingent of our clan. Despite the fact that I have been doubly Blessed over the last few days to spend them with my Son, and the next few with my Daughter, in an instant I felt fearful.

I started to say that fear and anxiety was sudden and inexplicable, but in this worldly reality I can trace the cause to the root. If I did, I would realize that it was neither sudden or inexplicable. Needless yes, but a mystery the feelings were anything but.

We gathered around Carroll’s circular table with Cousin Johnny Stacer at the head. I to His left and my Sister Mary to His right. I took in Johnny’s African garb, which I always admire in a wondering way, and the Hosts and wine in front of Him. My first thought was “wherever two or more gather”.

I listened with intent, but not intently, as I stewed on the anxious thoughts that had seemingly appeared from nowhere. At this point, and as I have done before when clutter and fear have stepped in the way of my conversation with God, I consciously told the devil to get out of the church. he was not welcome.

At that moment, We were holding hands in the Circle and as Johnny prayed for our intentions, I could feel His left thumb gently stroking the back of my Hand. His next words were, “help Us let go of unnecessary anxious feelings and fear”. Immediately the anxiousness was gone.

The circumstances that caused the feelings were, and are, still the same. However, the realization of the pettiness, unimportance and lack of control I have on them was bestowed upon me. Delivered as Johnny said, on the HOV Lane right from the Source of All.

The short Mass with my Family, and subsequent dinner did what it always does. It lifted me and Us All up. We laughed at, and with Ourselves, told old stories and new, loved and were Thankful.

I am not a good Catholic, but I love my Catholic upbringing, and strong Roots. They gave Me a solid foundation from Which to grow my Faith and Relationship with God. I Believe that our relationship with God is individual. However, it is Moments like These that point out the interconnectedness of All.

Just as Electricity needs a conduit to flow, Messages need a delivery mechanism as well. Sometimes that Pipe is a group of People, or maybe just a Person. We can only Hear if We Listen and the Song is sometimes louder when sung in a Choir.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” – Matthew 18:20

Peace
Will

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